Nightmares Jean x Reader

    Serving in the Survey Corps was something you had dreamed of your whole life. So many felt it was pointless to look beyond the walls, but the members of the corps pictured a better future for all. Going beyond the walls meant freedom even at the cost of their own lives. Studying Titans seemed to be the only way to defeat the horrid beasts. The citizens inside the walls believed that anyone who left the protection of the walls were suicidal but there were some who saw their bravery. As a child you'd watched the corps pass by your house with determined faces. They hid their fear which you'd only realized after facing the monsters beyond the safety of the walls. Everyone wore a mask for the public, or they tried to . Close friends and allies knew the truth. You wished they didn't.

    After sometime you stopped feeling so brave. Disturbing dreams haunted you each night. Mikasa would shake you awake, the normally unreadable girl murmuring gently that nothing was wrong. She's sit by your side as you recounted each dream, shivering. The worry in her eyes saddened you. Dreams aren't always easy to control. Some nights you would wake up with silent tears flowing down your face. Titans. It was always titans. No matter what they would enter the dreams, killing everyone you cared about. Gnashing teeth and dull eyes laughed, taunting you. Like a child afraid of the dark, you'd sit alone at night, holding your knees up to your chest. Silently you'd cry.

    In the daylight you wore your mask, smiling at your friends during meal times and training. It didn't take long for some of them to notice the bags under your eyes,  and the slow way you moved. You didn't know that they worried about you constantly. Jean especially watched you. He hated that the life in your eyes dulled. You didn't move the way you used to. He started to fear that your exhaustion would kill you, if hunger didn't. Sasha had started to deny your offer of food. Though it shocked everyone, no one questioned it. Grudgingly you would eat but only a few bites before claiming you were full.

    "She can't keep going on like this," Armin murmured to the rest of the table one day at breakfast. You'd just left the room, and Jean was staring at the door you'd disappeared through. "I feel like she's just going to fall over soon."

    "We need to do something," Krista said with a frown.

    "We can't make her eat," Mikasa said slowly. "It's her choice."

    Jean grimaced. His fists tightened into balls. Since the first time he'd seen you, the first time your smile sent his heart racing, he'd known he loved you. Fear kept him from telling you. How could he when everyday could be his last? Or even yours? The voices of his comrades became back noise. He continued to watch the doors, wishing you'd come back with that brilliant smile adorning your face. It always brightened his days, lighting up whatever room you were in. He couldn't imagine never seeing that smile again. Jean had to do something.

    "I'll see you guys later," he said before standing. He didn't bother answering the questions they called after him. If they wanted to sit around talking about what to do he'd let them. Talking wouldn't do anything. He needed to do something. And now.

    Your favorite place was the library. After a long day when everyone else ate or slept you would be in the library, taking comfort in books. At times he would find you sitting in a corner, munching on bread you'd snuck into the hall of books. When he asked you about Corporal Levi finding out you'd just snorted and rolled your eyes.

    "Short stuff won't find out. He hides in his room and drinks tea at this time of day. I'm not afraid of him."

    Jean smiled at the memory. Entering the library his light brown eyes scanned for your small frame. Walking down the short aisles he paused when he saw your hunched frame, your head buried in your knees as you hugged your body close. It looked as if your were trying to make your body as small as possible. His heart ached at the sight. At his footsteps your head whipped up. Your eyes widened and you quickly wiped away the tears streaming down your cheeks. Without a thought he fell to his knees, pulling you close. You choked back a sob of surprise. Like water breaking free from a dam you started crying uncontrollably.  You pressed your face into his chest. He held on to you, grimacing. Jean hated seeing you in such pain. There were no wounds he could heal, at least not on the outside.

    Moving slowly he sat back, pulling you into his lap. Cradled against his chest you hid your face into his shoulder, snuggling close. Even as friends you'd never been this close. Being so near him made your heart race and you could hear his quickening with your head over his heart. You remained like that for quite some time. The sobs soon stopped and you just sat there, content.

    "Better now?" he murmured, his head resting on yours. With a nod you pulled away to look into his eyes. A small lightened up your tired and flushed face. With one hand he touched your cheek, thumb rubbing gentle circles. "Do you...want to tell me what's wrong?" A slight blush dusted his own cheeks. His heart still raced at how close your faces were. He'd wanted to be close to for so long now, and here you were, a dream he thought would never come true.

    Your sad eyes became wide and oh so innocent. Jean touched his forehead against yours. He wished he could take any pain you felt away.

    "I'm...I'm scared." A single tear fell. "I'm so sick of losing people. I'm not brave, Jean. I want to be, but I'm not."

    "Do you really think you're not? Y/N...every one gets scared sometimes." His voice became a whisper. "I'm not. I'm frightened all the time."

    "You are?" You wrinkled your nose. "I can't see that. You're so tough and you fight so hard."

    "So do you. We all have to. You joined the scouts for a reason, Y/N. We're all afraid of losing those we ...love. It's the life we chose to make this a better world."

    You smiled softly. "You didn't want to be in the corps at first."

    "And I changed my mind. Why'd you join the corps, Y/N?"

    "I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be as brave as those who passed by my home and fought to help humanity." You swallowed back a sob. "I thought it was my destiny. I still do. But, Jean...I can't stop seeing people getting ripped apart. I can't stop the nightmares. How am I supposed to sleep when I keep hearing their screams?"

    His arms tightened around your waist. "I don't know. It's hard to forget what we've all gone through."

    At the fear in his voice you searched his brown eyes. "Jean? Do you...are you scared too?"

    "All the time," he replied in a raspy voice. "I hate thinking about how my friends face danger every day. That at any moment it could all end." With shaking hands he cupped you chin in his hands. "I'm afraid of losing you, Y/N. I wouldn't be able to bear it." When your eyes widened he chuckled, puling his hand away to rub the back of his head sheepishly. "See? If I was brave I would have told you sooner. Then you wouldn't be facing this alone. You're never alone, Y/N. Not as long as I'm alive."

    "Jean," you whispered. "Do you really mean that?" The way he spoke, so softly, so gently, made your heart flutter. His eyes locked with yours, and slowly your faces moved closer until they were only inches apart.

    "Yes," he murmured. His lips touched yours softly and you smiled at the shyness in his voice. "If you want me to...that is."

    For the first time in weeks you laughed. Jean smiled at the melodic sound. "Of course I want that," you said with a smile. "You have no idea how much I'd like that." Realizing your words you blushed. Jean chuckled, but you silenced him with another kiss. "Jean...thank you."

    "I'm always here for you, Y/N. You don't have to feel alone anymore."

    "I don't." You nuzzled your face against his shoulder.

    The library became silent, but it didn't bother you. Just sitting there, knowing someone understood you, and that he'd always be there for you felt wonderful. The pent up depression was slowly fading and though it wasn't gone, you knew you were on the path of feeling better.

    I'm not alone. I don't fight alone and I don't have to face nightmares alone.

    "Hey Jean?"

    "Yeah?"

    "I'm hungry."

    Jean chuckled, pulling you to your feet. "Come on then."